Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
