Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
