So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
