worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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