My liver just broke up with me...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
