i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
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My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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