he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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