Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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