OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
