Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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