i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
