This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
