hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
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She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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