who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
