Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
