I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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