I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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