My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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