I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we're making bets on your personal life
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
