I haven't been this sober since birth.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
