Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
