I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
