Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
