You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
