Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
