i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
