when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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