The maid of honor just puked.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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