What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
