So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I want to make a zoo with you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
