Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
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After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.