I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.