I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo