dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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