There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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