Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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