God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
