This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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