I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
