Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
