ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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