I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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