Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
