how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
