i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
