Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
