omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
