he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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