Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
