just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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