that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
