There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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