why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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