Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
