So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
