I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
